Behavior is the tip of the iceberg


This comes from Positive Discipline, which is based on the work of Adler and Dreikurs. More here

The biggest clue for which mistaken goal your child is living in is how you feel.

Check the chart: annoyed, irritated, worried, guilty- attention; angry, challenged, threatened, defeated- power; hurt, disappointed, disbelieving, disgusted- revenge; despair, hopeless, helpless, inadequate- assumed inadequacy.

We all have a right to attention, power, empathy and help, but children do not know how to ask for these appropriately, or at a good time. Either do we, as adults, do we?

So, again, we are teachers.

A parent friend told me a lovely story about a family member redirecting a “bad” child to her lap; he only wanted attention, and got it there. A power child needs some appropriate control; a revengeful child wants to be heard; a discouraged child needs some support, and less help.

Is this easy- no!

It may feel like rewarding bad behavior. This is old school thinking. If you have had a bad day, and want to tell your husband about it, what would happen to your relationship if he said: “If you can’t say anything pleasant, go to your room until you can.” Wow. However, he doesn’t have to be your doormat, either. He can say: “I hear you’ve had a rough day; so have I. I’m going to walk the dog, and then I’ll be ready to hear your news when I get back.” Respect for everybody.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s