Giving comfort, escaping shame

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http://www.purposefairy.com/72173/brene-brown-speaks-on-shame-6-types-of-people-you-should-never-confide-in/

If you have not read the work of Brene Brown, or seen her TED talk, please do.

If you haven’t noticed yet, parenting pushes all of your buttons; especially the buttons you didn’t know that you had. 🙂 Of course, it is very hard to reflect on your childhood and the assumptions in your family, but it is part of the work, I think, of parenting.

One comment that I hear often from parents is: “I don’t want to be THAT PARENT!‘” I think this comes from our past, and that we can mean different things by it. What is our biggest fear as a parent? And where does that come from?

Our children are more resilient than we can imagine, and, if we are honest with them, the way Brene Brown describes being honest in this video, your children will stay in relationship and learn something about what to do with their own shame.

(She describes the difference between shame and guilt this way: “Guilt is when you know that you did something “bad”; shame is when you believe that you are bad. Shame leads to bad outcomes on every level.)

So, whatever you fear, please face your fear, or you can pass on your shame to the next generation.

if you are afraid for your child not to be pleased or entertained, to be angry, or to stand your ground, your child may feel unable to cope with difficulty.

If you are afraid of a child who is “spoiled”, you might be too strict, and fail to express your empathy, leaving your child anxious.

If you are afraid that your child is not learning enough, you may keep them too busy, and not give them enough time to discover on their own.

If you are uncomfortable with structure, you may leave your children hanging about what to expect.

If you are afraid that they will get emotionally or physically hurt, you may not let them explore relationships and environments on their own. We learn best when the learning is our own discovery!

“We are scientists observing nature. No scientist goes into the jungle, sees a monkey the scientist thinks is not ready to climb trees, then chains the monkey to the root of the tree.” Matt Bronsil

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Matt is a Montessori teacher raised by Montessori teachers:) Matt’s quote is in response to all the teachers and all the parents who say, sometimes: “S/he is not ready for that work/material/idea.”

We are all human, but we must remember that, although children almost always need for us to slow down, they are also often leaping ahead.

Cultivating Your Child’s Character

Interesting Powerpoint on developing character in young children. One important point, “decision fatigue”: that is, the truth that the more choices we have to make, the worse job we do. So, much of character development is fostering positive habits. Mary

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It was a pleasure spending the evening with an engaged group of parents to think about what we each want our Character Legacy to be and how to practically go about passing that on to our children.  If your parenting partner was unable to attend or if you would like to participate at home, please feel free to email me and I’d be happy to send along the Cultivating Character Worksheet Packet to you.  Please keep me posted on your discoveries!

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Try being curious, George

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http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2012/12/curiosity-questions.html

Positive Discipline parenting classes give new ways to see children, new ways to see misbehavior (as mistaken goals; your children trying to connect in some terrible, or at least, ineffective ways), and at least 52 “tools”.

This is one of the “tools”: “curiosity questions”. Asking a question gives you an opportunity for the child to consider the consequences of an idea or action: “I wonder what will happen if you do that?”; “How do you think your brother will feel if you do that?”; “How would you feel if I said that to you?”; “What could you try next time?”; “Do you have a solution we could try?”

Said with real curiosity, this invites a child to think and not react. Our first job as parents is to be teachers.

What we want

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What we want, as teachers, is to facilitate children loving to read. LOVING it. Life long readers. I, for one, don’t even care what they, as adults, read: Jane Austin, or 50 Shades of Grey. Motorcycle magazines, or the sports pages. READING (and learning), yea!!!!

But how do we help that to happen. As parents, your job is kinda easy. Read, enjoy reading, and read to your children things that you enjoy reading to them. That’s it, really.

As teachers and schools and school systems, there is a lot of politics involved. This is partly, of course, because there is a lot of money involved.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2015/01/13/report-requiring-kindergartners-to-read-as-common-core-does-may-harm-some/

Ahhhh, the politics of learning. Who knew? This article cites a “report”. Sounds great. The report is partially funded by the association of Waldorf schools. Waldorf schools do not think that children should be exposed to letters until around age 7. They have apparently found a way to attempt to influence the conversation in this way. Sigh.

No, I don’t think Kindergartens should expect everyone to read in Kinder. My son did not read until he was 9, and any attempt to speed up the process, even with Montessori materials, just did not work. I’m sure that, as we continue to learn more about how we learn and how to teach, we may understand more about the processes that impede learning. I’m sure there are many. But Kindergarten teachers should not feel that pressure, children should not feel that pressure. Do any of us learn well under pressure????

And there is this bullshit about “play based preschools”. I’m sorry, I am so tired of this. Children have been learning alongside other people since the Dawn of Time. Do primitive people put their toddlers in rooms full of plastic crap to “play with” until they are “old enough to learn”? What model are we using here?

Montessori teachers, RIE educators, and many other people feel that children learn alongside others with whom they have a relationship. This school of thought is called social constructivism (Social constructivism is a sociological theory of knowledge that applies the general philosophical constructivism into social settings, wherein groups construct knowledge for one another, collaboratively creating a small culture of shared artifacts with shared meanings.) and includes not only Montessori but include Dewey, Bruner, Piaget and Vygotsky (http://www.ucdoer.ie/index.php/Education_Theory/Constructivism_and_Social_Constructivism)

This is not new stuff. It is not radical stuff. It is supported by what we now understand about learning, and best practices about teaching.

So, should we demand that all Kindergarten teachers in the US, who have learners of all types and stripes (non-native English speakers, at-risk children of all types, like homeless children and children who have a variety of special needs, diagnosed and not), teach all children to read by June of the Kinder year? Hell no!

Should we “protect” children from being expected to learn anything until age 7, so that they can joyfully “play”? Hell, no, either. Children want to learn what people know and do. That is why they learn to walk and talk. They are hard-wired for this. To deny them this is to tell them that they are incapable, and need “special service”, creating dependency and helplessness. For some, the extended time in “pretend play” causes them to lose a grasp on the reality of what is going on around them, and what the other children/people are doing and saying.

Yes, this is not a complete rant. I am not saying that children need to sit and look at flash cards, either. Of course not. Most of them cannot sit at all! Children learn through movement, relationships and relevance.

But please do not fight an absurd assumption (all children can and should learn to read by age 6) with an equally absurd one (no one should have to learn anything until age 7).

Inspiration

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I just read a Facebook post from a friend who was crediting her sister (wonderful picture of the two of them!) for inspiring her in her work.

I immediately thought of Martha. Martha MacDermott. She was a consultant at the school where I did my internship. Our director had trained at Xavier in Cincinnati, where she was on faculty.

You can see Martha above, laughing. This is how I remember her. This is a celebration of her, so in the larger picture below, you can see the bagpiper celebrating her Scottish upbringing. Her speaking was even more intriguing because of her lovely accent.

Montessori herself was an intimidating, inflexible person, it seems. You had to be, to be a woman with a powerful international presence at the turn of the century. Look at Margaret Thatcher, 50 years later! And Martha was also tough, but it was always clear that she was only telling you what she knew to be true, and that she was always on the side of clarity for the children. She wanted children to understand, and to love what they were learning, as she did. This was so obvious.

In the above video, Martha tells that she started her training in London, in 1958. This was just at the beginning of the Montessori “revival” in the US, so, soon after, she came here to mentor many new schools.
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I have many “Martha stories”, and I love telling them. It is wonderful to have a new place to tell them:) My staff and children will be so pleased, that I am not telling them, again!

1) Martha comes, and it is her 60th birthday. She does the “walk around the sun”, and does it by decades, after giving a lovely lesson on counting by 10s with the bead materials. Then, instead of telling us a story for each year, or decade, she sat and told us (3-6 class) about a birthday she spent in an air-raid shelter during the London Blitz. Not a sound was heard, as all the children watched her face.

2) All the teachers are watching Martha give a variation of the checkerboard (Montessori multiplication lesson). The boy, with whom she is working (aged 7 or so), is intrigued by being the center of attention, and starts to make himself belch on command. Fascinating! What will Martha do? She stops, and puts her hands in her lap until he is brought up short and looks at her. She asks, quietly: “Do you know who I am?” He stammers: “Well, yes, you are Martha!” She answers, with delight: “Yes! And I am also someone who very much wants to do this lesson with you today. Will you do it with me?” Lesson continues from there, with great appreciation from both participants.

3) Martha comes, and tells the children (3-6) all the stages of her trip, from leaving her apartment to getting on plane to fly to Charlotte, to driving to Boone, with all the stops on the way. The children are riveted.

4) A 3 year old watches Martha and an older child do the entire 50 piece US puzzle map. She obviously loves it, and, when it is put back, goes and gets it, and falls, scattering all the pieces. Instead of telling her that it is too big for her, and that she has made a mess (reading out of my own script), Martha looks in the face of crying Lou and says: “We can fix this together.” The she helps Lou match the pieces to the control map by color: “Which color shall we do next?” This all takes about an hour, during which Martha does not look annoyed, or like she would rather be doing more important work. When I asked her later why she did not name the states as they put them in the puzzle (cramming in information was always in the back of my mind), she answered: “That was not what drew her to the work, and she has plenty of time to learn them. She was having a sensorial experience with the shapes of the pieces.”

5) My daughter adored Martha, and wanted to write her letters. As a 5 year old, they were brief, and had invented spelling. Martha answered each one, with stories from her day.

Martha said, “Maria started a new conversation on the planet for the possibility of children and it will never be completed.” Thus, the Montessorian’s job continues.

I am striving every day to see children as Martha did.

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Travelling Light

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From a Montessori teacher/mom in India: My Learning as a Mother, Teacher and School Administrator

Travelling Light
DECEMBER 6, 2014 ~ RAMA REDDY

“The Tile Game is a beautiful and popular material in the Elementary class, lending itself to intricate tessellations, mosaics, calculations of area and all else that the imaginative mind of the child dictates.

I was reluctant to present Abhimanyu with the Tile Game. The domineering teacher in me reasoned that he ought to pay for his indolence. I slyly omitted him from the list of children invited for the lesson. But he was there, totally absorbed.

Abhimanyu travels light and sly omissions don’t weigh him down.

The next day I saw him make an exquisite pattern with the tile game.

I wish I could have simply stood back and admired it, but the stubborn teacher in me didn’t give up. Dripping with mockery I challenged him to find the area of the “beautiful pattern.” I couldn’t wait to see his regret and guilt, his surrender to rigour.

I expected him to –
– Count the number of triangles, parallelograms, trapeziums and hexagons
Triangles = 66
Parallelograms = 36
Trapeziums = 24
Hexagons = 13

– Find the area of each of those shapes applying the formula
Triangle – ½ x 2.5 x 2 = 2.5 sq cm
Parallelograms = 2.5 x 2 = 5 sq cm
Trapeziums = ½ x (2.5 + 5) x 2 = 7.5 sq cm
Hexagons = ½ x 15 x 2 = 15 sq cm

– Multiply it by their number
Area of triangles – 2.5 x 66 = 165 sq cm
Area of Parallelograms = 5 x 36 = 180 sq cm
Area of Trapeziums = 7.5 x 24 = 180 sq cm
Area of Hexagons = 15 x 13 = 195 sq cm

– Sum it all up together.
Total area = 165 + 180 + 180 + 195 = 720 sq cm

And he didn’t know how. Ha!

In less than ten minutes Abhimanyu had the area of his beautiful pattern. He had converted his parallelograms, trapeziums and hexagons into triangles.
66 + 72 + 72 + 78 = 288 triangles

All triangles became rectangles and the rectangle was a familiar friend!
½ x 2.5 x 2 = 2.5 x 288 = 720 sq cm
Abhimanyu travelled light and quick.

I doubly suffered because I was his teacher and his mother too. I moved around arduously with tons of load on my body and soul and appreciated “hard work.”

One Sunday afternoon he was out with the wind in his unkempt hair and shabby clothes and often unbrushed teeth. He came in with a big smile, hugged me saying, “Thanks Ma, for loving me only so much.” Gave me a little kiss and was off.

Abhimanyu truly travels light!”