“Sensory issues”

1-children-huggingI have been teaching a long time, but I first heard of “sensory integration” concerns in Montessori training, not from one of my teachers, but from a fellow intern and mom.  Her daughter was dealing with “tactile defensiveness” and was going to a pediatric occupational therapist.  Wow, what???  Tactile defensiveness is feeling unexpected touch as pain, and a pediatric occupational therapist can help children learn to tolerate/integrate some sensory input that is lacking/needed/unwanted/uncomfortable.  Who knew?

I am writing this in part because I have found that sensory integration issues are hard to see, there is no blood test for them, and yet they affect many children.  Also, if you Google “sensory integration” you will get “Autism”, which is terrifying.  Yes, most children with autism have SID, many/most children  with SID do NOT have Autism.  In my classroom, I currently see about 4 children a year who seem to be effected by sensory irritations. (OTs can also help with many other issues, such a problems with core-strength- children who have trouble holding themselves upright- hand strength and dexterity, and many other things.)

That next week, after that conversation with Isabelle about her daughter, I was pondering a child in my class who would regularly get called out for punching someone randomly.  When I asked him, he responded : “They hurt me!”, even though they were generally only standing behind him in line.  Bingo!  Tactile defensiveness!  He described it as needing people “this far” (a full arm’s length) away from him, or “it hurt.”  His parents never bought into such a notion, but it was helpful for the class and for him.  As soon as he could articulate what was bothering him, there was no more random punching.

This is a pretty simple story; much of sensory integration sensitivity is much harder to see or address.  For one thing, a child can be both sensory “seeking” (wanting more sensation in some areas) and “sensory avoiding”.  A child who is sensitive to sound can yell (?).  As one OT explained it, “at least they are in charge of the noise.”  And, remember, we are talking about children, who are trying to deal as best they can.  And, why would they think that we do not feel the same things that they do?

If you or someone you know is sensitive to clothing, wrinkles in sheets, smells, sounds, certain kinds of lights, needs to move alot before they can relax to sleep, is always on the go, avoids certain textures of food or things on their hands, paints glue on their fingers, likes to wedge themselves into tight places, hates crowds, seeks out certain textures, rocks or jiggles their leg, fiddles, covers ears a lot, gets really revved up in large open spaces, moves away from others in a group, avoids hugs, seeks out hugs, doesn’t like to get hugs but wants to hug others….see, it is very complex!

Why does it matter?  Because it can be annoying/disruptive/painful, and so can affect learning and/or relationships.  And they/we don’t know how to describe, or what to do, so they/we may need help.

My learning about this is long and slow, as I am NOT a pediatric occupational therapist, nor do I play one on TV.  My own son banged into people he loved and jumped down stairs, and around.  So I yelled at him.  He wore his boots on the wrong feet because they “felt better that way.”  My stepson broke all the pencils, unbent all the paperclips and took Ritalin.  I, of course, am completely normal when I jiggle my leg to keep myself on task, want to cry in florescent lights and sleep under a heavy blanket, even in the summer.  My husband’s ears “hurt” in crowded restaurants, and he, too, cannot bear to stand in a line.

Wouldn’t it have been nice to have some help at some point for each of us, or at least someone who was willing to try to help us explain what we need/avoid?  Yes, I wish I had not fussed at my children so much, and had not been fussed at.

So, if someone mentions that your child be evaluated by an OT, you might be getting some interesting data.  This is not obscure, arcane gobbledey-gook, but real factors that affect real people, and can get “in the way”.  One of our jobs, as parents and teachers, is to remove obstacles.1-children-hugging1-children-hugging1-children-hugging

 

Consciously skilled

Julie Neal and I teach Positive Discipline (from Adler, Dreikurs and Jane Nelson).  In the parent educator training, we are given a fat book of experiential exercises to help participants feel the way children feel when we act certain ways.  There are also exercises to help adults examine why and how we do what we do, and feel what we feel.  All fascinating!

At the end, we often do an activity called : The Continuum of Change (Positive Discipline Association).  In this, we are invited to remember a hard learning that involved brain and body.  The point of the exercise is to help us forgive ourselves for not knowing everything, and for feeling uncomfortable during the learning.  It has been so long since we learned something completely new, of COURSE it feels awful, like stalling out in the middle of heavy traffic, or making a turn onto gravel and flying over the handlebars!  One can think of riding a bike, driving a car, using manual transmission, or learning to knit.  Remember that mind-blowing struggle at the beginning?

The continuum goes something like this: first, you are unconsciously unskilled.  You don’t even know what you don’t know (maybe how your preschooler sees you driving; just turning the wheel- la dah!)  Then, you are consciously unskilled: “oh, I will NEVER get this!  What do I do now???? Oh, %$^&.”

Next, you get to be consciously skilled: “I can do this, if I concentrate and stick out my tongue, and don’t breathe, and now my brain is fried.  I need a break!!”

After a long time, some say 10,000 hours, you get to be unconsciously skilled.  That is when you can drive the car, eat a sandwich, talk to your kids in the back, and decide what to have for dinner, all without missing a beat.

And, how do we get to Carnagie Hall?  Practice, practice, practice.  For adults, this process is terribly uncomfortable, perhaps because we have perfected so many skills, that it feels AWFUL to go back to incompetence.  So hats off to those who take up a new instrument, or a new language, as adults!

On to children.  As you can imagine, they live a lot of the time between unconsciously unskilled and consciously unskilled.  They are not good at much, especially the first time.  And, if they live with mostly adults, then it is discouraging that everyone else is good at EVERYTHING!  Why bother?

Fortunately, children seem to be hard wired to learn hard stuff.  Like walking and speaking a language, with grammar and all.  So, that’s what they are good at.   Montessori saw, however, that, if we gave children a lot of opportunities to become consciously, then unconsciously skilled, from a very young age, they felt good, and learned skills and confidence that allowed them to consider learning more and more things.  The movement from consciously unskilled to consciously skilled did not feel so impossible.  In fact, it might even be fun, and definitely worth the risks.

So, she created a lot of self-corrected learning materials, that intrigued hands and minds.  She also placed importance on something she called: Practical Life (or Grace and Courtesy).  This is the process of actively teaching self-care and life skills, in a fun, accepting way, from blowing your nose and wiping your own bottom, to how to ask for help or tell someone to leave you alone.  It also can include dressing yourself, folding clothes, hanging up your coat so that you can find it again, cooking, cleaning…anything that is “practical” to “life” in your culture, would be useful.  And, of course, at home, things that your family and your child value: washing the car, gardening, taking care of pets, making art, playing music….

So, we take the time to break down many tasks into small parts, and give many, many stress free opportunities to practice, with as much help as needed, so that children will have many, many abilities at a young age, and feel competent in many things, before they interact with much that is “academic.”

Think of the intense satisfaction you feel as you have mastered something.  Don’t all people, including  children deserve the opportunity to feel that they are masters in many things?  They can do so, if they are given opportunity, time, instruction (if needed) and support.

 

“Real” Montessori

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I had a prospective parent ask me, very nicely, if it were true that my program is not a “real” Montessori program.  Just curious.

My first reaction: “Sigh.”  There is the Montessori version of the mommy wars, and this is how it is expressed.  “Oh, that program is not a real Montessori program.”  Is this an extension of “Mean Girls”, since so many of us Montessorians are women?

Well, I am a real as it gets, girls.

This is sometimes skirted around in online Montessori forums, trying not to “go there”: “Well, if you had that training, you aren’t really a Montessori teacher; just sayin’.  No offense.”

Short answer, I am a real, real Montessori teacher, and my school is a real Montessori school.  Training and internship through the American Montessori Society.  20 years in.  Those of us who go to the trouble to get Montessori training after getting our degree are pretty passionate, or kinda nuts, depending on how you look at it, so, I say, hat’s off to those of us who have done it, and let’s leave the “Montessori wars” on the playground, please.

If you want to read on, you can.

Montessori came to the US in 1918, and had a very successful exhibit at the World’s Fair that year, called the Glass Classroom (a classroom set up so that adults could walk around and look in, like a store display; very cool!)

Everyone thought she was wonderful, and, in our American, can-do way, people started setting up “Montessori schools” all over, based on hearing one lecture or so.

Montessori was appalled, and did not back any of these American schools.  All training was then in Europe.  A few folks went to Europe for training and came back.

In the 60s, a few intrepid American women got training in Europe, and came back, attempting to get an approved Montessori society in America from Montessori’s son.  After a lot of haggling, they just went ahead and made the American Montessori Society, which has over 4000 member schools, and has trained hundreds of thousands of teachers through AMS certification programs.  Teacher education programs are handled through colleges and universities, and in free-standing programs, which are usually tied to a Montessori school. AMS teacher training is 1 academic year and a 1 year internship with a Montessori school, beyond a bachelor’s degree.  I did my training with the Center for Montessori Teacher Education, North Carolina, in 1995. http://www.teachmontessori.org/ Before that, my teacher trainer was trained in Italy.  My internship was in 1994-5 at Mountain Pathways School, under Cheryl Smith, who trained at Xavier in Cincinnati.

Needless to say, there is still a disconnect between the Association Montessori International (AMI) and AMS, although most of us are trying to work together for the good of the children. (For more information on “what makes a Montessori school”, try this: http://amshq.org/Montessori-Education/Introduction-to-Montessori?gclid=CjwKEAiAy7SzBRD_lv7quOnr6XUSJAAOLkW6eUpH7h3ug64y9Q5s9HtwsyGQaidG0Ih-2So12QavwRoCD5Tw_wcB)

I am sure this is more than anyone wanted to know! 🙂 And this is some more.  The international training often, as I understand, is set up to have classes in the morning, and your internship in the afternoon, so that you can immediately apply what you have learned. That would have been lovely!  But I had 2 children and three jobs in my training year, so spending a year of weekends worked best for me. My teacher trainers were some of the most insightful and committed people I have ever met, as are all of the Montessorians I have met, as well, even the crazy ones.

P.S. The international training limits(for the most part) materials in the classroom to those that were designed in Montessori’s lifetime.  AMS allows the teachers to choose which materials may foster concentration and interest for the children, in addition to the traditional math, language and sensorial materials, and the practical life activities.  There are very few AMI training programs in the US, and several AMS programs, or at least one, in each state.  AMI schools require a very high student /teacher ratio, which are not allowed in most states, under licensing.  Until preschool teachers in the US make more than any other service workers, it will be hard to justify having a year of training after your undergrad degree, with no guarantee of more pay.  (Kind of like what is happening with teachers in North Carolina who get no additional pay for a Master’s.)

P.P.S.  If you wonder about a program, go and visit.  Go often (ask first).  Ask a lot of questions.  If they talk your ear off, they are passionate.  See if you like what they do and say.  See if you think your child would do well there.  Ask more questions. Follow your gut and your mind.

 

 

 

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We have recently had a most challenging child at school: very, very bright, and struggling very hard to self-soothe during adjustments or transitions.  Any transitions at all, including things that the child wanted to do, like get out his lunch and eat a cookie, caused crying.

What I have learned from this child: patience, empathy, respect for hard work, and also, when the child can be calm, it is his brain which does the most to help him.  Not that a lap, or a hug, or a empathetic look or remark does not help him calm down, a lot.  But, ultimately, it is when his mind is engaged, when he is intrigued or fascinated or curious or observant or amused, and his brain is working, that he is the most calm, during turbulent times.

This does not mean that we try to distract him with flashing lights and funny clowns, but calmly demonstrate something intriguing, and sit back.  We model our own enjoyment, and invite.

There has been a lot for me to learn in watching this process unfold.

Parenting goals

capable child

Another Positive Discipline activity I love is called: Two Lists.  It helps you remember the bigger goals behind parenting, separate from “getting him to brush his teeth”, or “getting her to listen.”  Imagine your child as an adult.  What do you want him/her to be like?  What attributes would you love to recognize in them?

Jane Nelson has a list of seven, to help you focus:

Strong perception of personal capablilities: “I am capable.”

Strong perception of significance in primary relationships: “I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed.”

Strong perception of personal power or influence over life: “I can influence what happens to me.”

Strong intrapersonal skills; the ability to understand personal emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-discipline and self-control.

Strong interpersonal skills; the ability to work with others and develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, negotiating, sharing, empathizing and listening.

Strong systemic skills; the ability to respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility and integrity.

Strong judgmental skills; the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate values.

So, when you are teaching, modeling, correcting, inviting….think about what skills will be taught, directly, or indirectly, by your methods.

More on confidence

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Okay, how do I recognize confidence, or lack of it?

Confident children:

explore

try things

play independently

risk

ask for help

Children who lack confidence:

get stuck in activities/requests and repeat them without pleasure

don’t play

whine

try to keep adults involved with them

in a mixed group, prefer to talk to adults

talk about adult issues/concerns

get frustrated easily

tease others

do things for negative attention

(In very young children, some of these latter things can indicate boredom. Of course, don’t “entertain them” but help them switch gears :”I see you are bored with these blocks.  It is time to put them away and find something fun /go outside/feed the cat/ put your socks in your drawer.” Notes: I am not asking them, or listening when they protest.  If they are not engaged, they are bored.  if they are bored, it is my job to teach them how to get over being bored without having to pick a fight with me, the cat, the dog, or the blocks!)

To build confidence: if you have engaged adequately (they are not pining for a little adult one-on-one) change/create the environment (go outside and get so busy that they cannot get you engaged with them negatively, and have to find something to do), express confidence, don’t rescue or entertain, endure the learning curve (they don’t liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it; it is uncomfortable), don’t get sucked into power struggles or the appearance of neediness, express more confidence, take care of yourself.

I believe, all children are hard wired for success, and all people must struggle a bit.  A healthy child will seek out appropriate struggles, and take them on when they are ready.

Times have changed

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I had a nice talk with a parent yesterday.  She feels that her young children may need “more” than what she can do at home, they may need to be with other children and get the “social skills thing” expanded a bit. She thought they might benefit from learning to trust other adults.  She could use a bit of a break.  She feels guilty about that.  And childcare is expensive…

Above is a picture of part of my husband, John’s family on the front page of the newspaper in Jackson, Mississippi in around 1955.  He is the cutie sitting down on the far left.  This is a typical Sunday lunch!  This is how he grew up, in this pack of loving adults and cousins.  Of course, they were not always loving.  There were some smacked bottoms in those days; it was the 50s, after all!  But mostly accepted, listened to, taught, shared.

John’s mom had this pack of nice grownups with ownership for these kids.  The kids had several houses to run to, lots of folks with whom to walk downtown to the grocery store, bank, 5 and Dime, drug store with soda shop, and school.  Lots of grownups to correct you when you screwed up, and to notice when you didn’t.  A community of kids from whom to learn “social skills”, like not to pick your nose, and not to punch your big sister, who is stronger than you.

Without all of this, it is nice to have “school”.  It is nice to extend your pack of grownups and kids.

I’m thankful that Hillary Clinton made her “it takes a village” speech, because we had forgotten that many of us had a village, growing up, and that it helped, a lot.

Here’s to your village.

“That’s how rumors get started.”

I was just in the middle of a tiny, harmless rumor, made of assumptions and tidbits of information.  No harm, no foul, but a reminder of bigger, more harmful rumors.

Well, I have been known to love me some juicy gossip.  Harmless fun, like reading trashy fiction, right?

Years ago, I worked for a church.  One of my jobs was to oversee the nursery program.  This was in the early 90s, when we weren’t really sure how AIDS or HIV were transmitted, and there was no known treatment at all.  We knew who was most at risk, but perhaps we were ALL at risk. (Ignorance is a great feeding ground for rumors.)

The Mother church offered training about protecting yourself from blood borne pathogens.  Standard issue training, right?  No, that was the first time we had heard that phrase, the first box of latex gloves I had ever bought. When I came back from the training, I bought some gloves for the nursery and told the workers to use them when changing diapers or dealing with a boo boo, for their protection, and for the protection of the children.  Back then, we all would argue: “But I am fine…”, and then remember, the children…  The parents would argue: “But my child is fine…” and then remember, us.  So the gloves made everyone look at everyone else: “Is there something up with you?”

Sure enough, the gloves triggered a rumor.  There must be a child in the nursery with AIDS.  Then, the rumor went on to decide which child it was. The rumor told everyone with young children who had AIDS in the nursery.  Surprise!  No one was being dropped off for nursery!

You know the next part: someone said something to the mother of the child who did not have AIDS.  The assumptions were clear to everyone: that child that you don’t like, he is not very cute, he is mean to your child, he is not as clean as he should be, he is different from the other children. Easy to spot the child who surely has AIDS, right?

Do you think that mother has ever forgotten that?  Do you think that pain can ever be undone?

These people all meant well.  They all loved their children, and were kind to most.

My lesson: Don’t judge much.  Check the facts.  Ask others to check facts.  Ask others: “How do you know that?”  “What made you think that?” Think of the consequences and ask others not to spread “information” that has not been substantiated.  Think of how you would feel if this were speculation about you, or your child.

We all need better hobbies than that.

More on Sense of Order

Okay, another Montessori insight. 🙂  She noted that young children have, what she called, a “sense of order”.  I think I talk about it a lot.  Perhaps this is because it keeps amusing me to have her (Montessori), proved right over and over in my observations.

Below is a toddler, new at camp, who was not always the most pleased to be there.  She really thought she had better plans for her day than this. Now you can help some children reconcile to their day easier than others. She did not want any of our help!  In fact, when we talked to her, she screamed back.

The first thing she discovered that made her feel better at camp was to sit in a chair.  One chair, the blue one.  She claimed it, and we were fine with that.  We helped her move it, when she asked.

The next thing she discovered that was soothing was stacking the plates. She stacked, and restacked.  She sorted by color.  This kept her quite content for more than an hour,  For several days.

Montessori tells several stories of staying with families, and watching the child get very upset, for “no reason”.  Later, it was determined that someone was carrying their coat, instead of wearing it, or something had been moved in the house.

I have a dear friend whose two year old was distraught when she had her hair permed (in the 80’s).  He kept crying: “Put it back!!”

The first time I experienced this in the classroom, I was an intern, and the other intern and I decided we would take the 3s outside to the picnic table for lunch, since it was finally warm enough.  An experienced teacher, walking through the lunch space, overheard us, shook her head, and muttered : “Sense of order.  They will all cry.”  We were sad for her bad attitude, then watched each child cry at lunch outside.  One even lay his head on the table and sobbed.

This does not mean that we have to give in to every request for the green cup, or the Power Rangers underwear, when they are dirty, or not to move to a big boy bed.  It may mean that we are more understanding with “sense of order” upsets when there are other upsets going on.  It may mean that we keep lots of things orderly and predictable.  It also means, to me, that we can play into this natural sense (and, believe me, it is briefly lived.  By 6, it is practically gone!) and set up routines for children that will become helpful habits of order.


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Teaching about “practical life”

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Another amazing thing Montessori figured out is that children need/love to be taught self-care/real world skills.  She called this “Practical Life” and it is actually an area of the curriculum, like Language and Math.

And why not?  At each stage of life, don’t we like people to gently tell/show us how to do something new, instead of fussing at us when we screw it up?  This week at camp, we had to remember to teach the junior counselors how to make juice from frozen concentrate for popsicles and how to wash dishes.  Is it shocking that they don’t know, or is it normal that families now buy juice fresh and have dishwashers?  As I’m sure you can tell, it shocked me at first, growing up, as I did, in the Black and White Era, I forget these things.  And then Montessori invites me to remember what it is like not to know.

And, when it is presented as “look at this”, practical life is fun to practice. “Pouring works” are always popular (see picture above:)), and so are cooking skills, cleaning skills, folding and putting away things skills…if they are taught and not fussed about.  Later, there are more skills: how to check the oil in your car, how to save money in a painless way, how to buy life insurance, how to buy a house.  It would be nice if someone taught us these things.